That enderman journal skin was bothering me. I don't know why I have installed that to my journals...
It's almost 3:30 in the morning and there is a possibility that the things you are about to read down below might just be the result of a tired and upset mind, but bare with me... if you want to read it then do it at your own risk. I don't care.
Do you ever have these times that you simply don't know what you feel or what to feel? I'm asking about mood and emotion-wise. Like... when something happens and although it is not something that should bother you too much, do so, anyway, up to the point that you simply become unable to even try cheering up? Sort of like when someone steals your bike and you remain in a mix of sadness and bother through a long period of time. It's an annoying mix of emotions that end up just like mixing up all the colors of the rainbow together. You get a color that you have no idea what it is but it is ugly and dead. Have you ever felt like that?
. . .
To be honest... I don't know what I am rambling about. Well... I do, I'm just not quite sure how to express it... whatever it is. For reasons I'd rather not mention I've been feeling like garbage for too long. A rotten mood that cannot be helped and with the inability to express much other than coldness, most of the time. Have I been sounding emotionless, lately? That's me being cold, thank you very much. Here, have a blanket. Ask me if I am alright, all you want. All I will manage to say is that I am fine. I won't hide it. If you ask and I say I am there is a 50% probability that I am lying + a 30% probability that I don't want to talk about it, even though maybe I should. My father's psychologist, I know very well that when something crushes your heart you need to let it out for your own good but I also know that when someone is in such a state, they need to talk to someone they can trust enough for such so it won't fall by deaf ears. And do not ask me about who I trust enough or not, either. I don't like to bother but also don't like to offend. Don't ask me to tell lies. A single word is capable of doing way more damage than being squashed like a bug under the hard and cold weight or a loaded cargo ship. Or being cooked in the sun. Join that with the wrong actions and you have a mass destruction weapon.
You don't know what exactly I am rambling about and I don't know how to better express myself and yet you are still reading. Why? Meh... I'm writing... people tend to read stuff if they are told not to. Though I didn't said to not read this. Well... maybe a little but extremely subtly.
Now, if you are thinking, " Bah. He's just whining to get some attention." then know this: I do not give a flying feather about you thinking as such. This is my gallery and my journal and I feel the urge to write this stuff and also... you are reading this because you want, so do not complain.
Thing is, though... rotten mood and feeling like garbage... nasty, nasty, nasty... I already am not very active in here anymore (or anywhere else, for that matter) but something tells me I should take a certain distance from the online world. Call it "take a break". Not logon on Skype... do not reply or comment on stuff here on dA... do not post stuff on my Tumblr (who follows me there and show it, anyway?)... don't talk to some people, maybe... do not respond to messages on Steam if I decide to logon to play a game alone... play less Minecraft, even (I'm admin on a server so I can't actually drop that, too. Anyhow I basically play alone, most of the times, so no much difference, on that)... I don't know... stay alone for a while. More than the usual. Something tells me I should take this greater distance. Heck, nothing is going on anyway. It's not like a few weeks will make anyone miss me. But that is not the point. I am not asking for suggestions, here, FYI. I am making a statement.
If I was a man that drinks alcohol, this is probably the sort of rambling I'd be doing with a glass of whiskey in my hand or something, leaning on the counter of a bar or laid back on a couch with the glass hanging from my fingers. Though I'm sober.
Rotten mood. Garbage feels... either I am very bothered about something that happened and I should have let go, already or I just need a girlfriend. Meh...
Long story short... as distance is taken from me, I am considering on taking distance from things and some people, for some time, so if I am noticed to have gone quieter than usual, just know that I am over there in that corner, hiding inside a little shell to think of things and put my mind back together. And if you don't care then good for you. I did not call you here and you are saving yourself a bother you don't need.
I don't even know why I said that.
3:50AM and this journal is done.